This is it...

This is one of those moments that i want to cry,

this is one of those moments when i need a hug,

this is one of those moments that reminds me

that i have to be strong and do no let the pain

pulled me down, and this is one of those

moments that i just want to die .

So many times i've been having this sui's caedere thoughs, i already know that it's bad but i just can't stop doing it.

Several times when it's almost 3 am and i still awake, thinking , they come to my mind, when i saw my grandma crying because she saw something that reminds to my uncle, they appears again.

I haven't told about this to anyone xD because i'm not the kind of person that's goes for the life hopping that people notices and take care of me, but i guess that this is one of those moments when i feel so alone and that's frsutrating.

I talked about this with fryne several months ago, and i don't know if she said something to her mom because my cousin has been stalking me about it.

I think it's normal to imagine how the things would have changed if my uncle hadn't passed the way, if he hadn't got sick, if i would be the one who left this world.

I've been trying to get along well with my uncle koko because of my grandma because i realized how painful was for her when she saw the kind of relationship that we had, i know i cheating her for acting like if everything's fine but i want to her to be happy, make her happier no matter how or what.

This doesn't mean that i don't love my uncle, of course i did, but not as i used to love Yuyo.

Many times, crying, i've been desiring been in his place, because i had imagine how i would be the life without me xD i wouldn't be like it is because my uncle gave to my grand a support that sometimes i feel i would never could give to her.

People who knew me before he died have been telling me that i'm not the same person that i used to be, that now i kind of cold and it's looks like i don't even care about people feelings, my own mother had been telling me it too.

I feel so empty, so false, that i just want to leave everything and go away, i have my five minutes

full of stupids thoughs, and then i come back to the reality because i know i can't do that.

My mom brought maricahis to my grandma and they were playing a very sad song to my grandma that made her cry, i hugged her and she told me, " hug me, hug me so tight because we don't know if we could be like this the next year" .

I guess that's the things that worried me so much, being alone, being without her.

My cousin told me once that i just a child, but "that's not true, i'm old now, i can't use my age like an excuse" that's why i told her back then, but now having this kind of thoughs i guess she is right, for the first time i have to give her the reason.

Are you close to one particular member of your family?...

LOL my face!

That was one of my teacher's question.

Here it's my answer.

Since i had memorie the closets person to me is my grandma.

I'm always been living in her house so, while i've been growing up we formed a close bond.

Since i was a child she always nudged me to do everything that i want. We can totally trust in the each other, in less words we have a good relationship.

Sometimes we got peev for stupids things, (like who was the one that left the floor of the bathroom wet or who didn't turn off the lights of the ladder) but after a few minutes everything comes back to normal.

I really love her too much and i really want to take care of her as the same way as she did when i was a child.

Right now we are passing by a difficult situation, something that it hurts too much but that is no impossible to stand it.

Let's do it together mom~

i know that we have the enough courage to overcome this.