This is it...

This is one of those moments that i want to cry,

this is one of those moments when i need a hug,

this is one of those moments that reminds me

that i have to be strong and do no let the pain

pulled me down, and this is one of those

moments that i just want to die .

So many times i've been having this sui's caedere thoughs, i already know that it's bad but i just can't stop doing it.

Several times when it's almost 3 am and i still awake, thinking , they come to my mind, when i saw my grandma crying because she saw something that reminds to my uncle, they appears again.

I haven't told about this to anyone xD because i'm not the kind of person that's goes for the life hopping that people notices and take care of me, but i guess that this is one of those moments when i feel so alone and that's frsutrating.

I talked about this with fryne several months ago, and i don't know if she said something to her mom because my cousin has been stalking me about it.

I think it's normal to imagine how the things would have changed if my uncle hadn't passed the way, if he hadn't got sick, if i would be the one who left this world.

I've been trying to get along well with my uncle koko because of my grandma because i realized how painful was for her when she saw the kind of relationship that we had, i know i cheating her for acting like if everything's fine but i want to her to be happy, make her happier no matter how or what.

This doesn't mean that i don't love my uncle, of course i did, but not as i used to love Yuyo.

Many times, crying, i've been desiring been in his place, because i had imagine how i would be the life without me xD i wouldn't be like it is because my uncle gave to my grand a support that sometimes i feel i would never could give to her.

People who knew me before he died have been telling me that i'm not the same person that i used to be, that now i kind of cold and it's looks like i don't even care about people feelings, my own mother had been telling me it too.

I feel so empty, so false, that i just want to leave everything and go away, i have my five minutes

full of stupids thoughs, and then i come back to the reality because i know i can't do that.

My mom brought maricahis to my grandma and they were playing a very sad song to my grandma that made her cry, i hugged her and she told me, " hug me, hug me so tight because we don't know if we could be like this the next year" .

I guess that's the things that worried me so much, being alone, being without her.

My cousin told me once that i just a child, but "that's not true, i'm old now, i can't use my age like an excuse" that's why i told her back then, but now having this kind of thoughs i guess she is right, for the first time i have to give her the reason.